Granted
by green-gray eyes
Summary: Missing out on college isn't the only sacrifice Darry has had to make.
Forgive me for typos, if there are any. It's late here, but I wanted to post this.

* * *

I watched Darry from my place at the table, folding and unfolding his arms, glancing towards the clock, and his leg bobbing up and down beneath him. I didn't get why he was so adamant on all of us eating together- so what if the kid was a little late? So what if he ate after us? Didn't make no difference to me, not as much as it seemed to for Darry.

"Where the hell is he?" he kept saying.

I shrugged. "I dunno, but I'm starving, so if you don't mind," I took a bite of my corn, and Darry gave me a look. "What? I'm not late for dinner." I reached for Darry's fork and slided it between his fingers, so that he would dig in, too. " _Eat_ ," I insisted, when he wouldn't comply.

"We should still eat together," Darry said, dropping the fork onto the table. "You know Mom always waited for us, when we were younger and his age." Oh. That's what the deal was; he wanted it to be like it was before. I guessed I could stomach that, then.

What I couldn't stomach, though, was the look Darry gave Pony when he came in. I watched my little brother sink into the vacant chair next to me, eyes locked on the ground. I gave a pointed look to Darry, which he ignored.

"Pony, you can't just forget what time it is and pretend like it's nothing, especially when people were waiting," he said, and Pony turned a little red.

"I, uh, didn't forget," he mumbled quietly, and I looked at him, worried. What the hell was he thinkin', telling Darry something like that? Pony looked up, finally making eye-contact with Darry. "I was just with Johnny, playing some pinball at the arcade. I wasn't getting into any trouble or nothing, so I don't see how it matters."

My big brother pulled quite the face. His lips formed into a thin line, eyebrows raised, looking as if he was calm. But I knew better. And, my little brother being observant, he did, too.

"Gosh, Darry," he added quickly, before he could explode at him, "Don't have a horse..." He sounded almost pleading, as if an argument was as bad as a punishment.

"Yeah," I added lightly, gesturing to the food in front of me, "have some chicken." I took a bite of some myself, to demonstrate, as I forced a smile.

He didn't crack a grin, not in the slightest. My own expression dropped.

"Eat your dinner," he demanded Pony. "We'll talk about this later." Even as he said that, his own plate was empty, and he made no move to fill it. Only looked at us expectantly, obviously frustrated, and I wondered what was going on with him.

Darry sighed, having noticed I was looking his way and inspecting his dish. "I just ain't hungry, okay?"

We ate the rest of dinner (well, me and Pony did) in silence. I used the time to dwell on Darry's not eating. It didn't make sense; my brother was large and ate enough to show you why. It just didn't add up to me, at the time.

OoO

I got thirsty right before bed, so I carefully climbed out from next to a sleeping Ponyboy, swung my legs to the side of the bed, and made my way down the hallway. It was dark, and I was pretty sure that Darry was asleep, too; his room light was off. I went to get a glass of water from the kitchen, but noticed a lamp on in the living room, and soundlessly crept to see who it was.

I thought maybe it was Dally, or Johnny, maybe Steve. I was only quiet because I didn't want to wake whoever it was, assuming they were sleeping, even if that Dallas Winston can sleep through a hurricane. I never thought I'd see what I did, or else I wouldn't have gone out of bed, 'cause I was that fucking selfish. My stomach dropped, and I stopped dead in my tracks. My heart felt as though it had given out, like my breath was lost somewhere in my throat and I was choking on it, suffocating. I needed to sit down. I needed to run away. I needed to be somewhere else, I needed...

Darry halted when he saw me. Like me, he looked as though his world was tumbling apart, and, I knew, he wished I hadn't seen what I did. We stared at each other, but not like at dinner; now we were desperately hoping we were imagining the whole thing, that I hadn't witnessed Darry sitting on the couch in front of the trash can, carefully picking out pieces of chicken, corn and rice that Ponyboy and I had for dinner. Our leftovers...our garbage...

"Darry?" I said hopefully, childishly, my legs wobbling as I took a step forward. I took a rattling breath and I felt the whole world shake beneath me. "Darry?"

I wasn't finishing my question, but he knew what I was asking. He knew that I was pleading, that I was foolishly chancing that the sight before me was an allusion. Maybe I was thirstier than I thought. I heard it can make you see things, if you don't drink for too long, and you can have all sorts of hallucinations. It was stupid to even consider, but it had to be the truth. We weren't that poor, we weren't struggling that much. Darry had two full time jobs, how could he work all day and come home and eat our scraps? It was impossible. It was impossible. I was dreaming, I was hallucinating. It just couldn't be.

One look at him, though, and I understood right away that I didn't know a damn thing about being too thirsty. About being hungry. My brother's face was pale, his cheeks a little more hollow. He was skinnier. And I hadn't noticed. Hadn't thought about it twice. Now, what the hell kind of person does that make me, that he was giving up everything he had and I hadn't bothered to give a damn? I wondered dully how many times he'd done this. I wanted to ask him, but my mouth had gone so dry, my words couldn't form and I didn't know if I truly wanted to know.

Darry looked down. He didn't answer me. Instead, his expression was consumed with shame. With humiliation. In that moment, he looked so young, looking at me like a kid that lost his way and was hoping I could give _him_ some sort of answer. But he ain't no kid, since he may as well have been a million years old, having sacrificed enough for infinite lifetimes. I felt so much guilt it overwhelmed me.

I took more steps forward, which was odd, since I didn't feel like my legs were moving. It was as if they had a mind of their own, carrying me over to my brother, so I could reach him, hold him, cry with him and apologize until I lost my breath in a whole other way. Instead, when I stood right in front of Darry, I was frozen. Unmoving.

I was a coward. I was selfish.

I was scared.

"It ain't that bad, you know," Darry choked out, peering up at me. He looked so unlike the big brother I grew up knowing. He was never so small, never so awry as to what to do. What to say.

"This is why you wouldn't eat." It was a statement. "This is why you didn't touch dinner." _Why you put your fork down, why you said you weren't hungry when you were._

Darry nodded.

I sat down hard next to him, my shoulder against his.

"Earlier, though," I spoke up again, my voice hoarse, "when you said you wanted us to eat together because Mom and Dad always did. Is that the real reason?"

Darry inhaled deeply. Exhaled. "Listen, Soda," he said. "Mom and Dad wanted us to eat as a family, sure. They liked seeing us together. But it wasn't always about that. Dad told me...I mean, he didn't exactly tell me, I guess..."

I turned to look at him. He gazed back at me, eyes brimmed with tears.

"I saw Dad. Like how you just saw me." My mouth fell open. Darry continued, trying to keep his voice steady. "I kept fussing over Pony to get home because I was so damn worried that I'd give in and eat more'n I should, and that there wouldn't be enough to satisfy him, and his stomach would be growling all night and it'd be all my fault, and -" he broke off with a sob, unable to contain himself any longer. His shoulders shook, hands covering his face, as though breaking down in front of me was another reason for him to feel shame.

I gripped his shoulders, and somehow I'd been able to make him face me. "We are a family, Darry, you hear me? If we don't make enough dough for all of us to be completely full at dinnertime, then so be it. No matter what, we split and share."

Darry's cries had reduced by then. "But I'm older and your guardian, it's my responsibility -"

"I ain't hearing any of that," I said fiercely. "You're my brother before you are anything else. We're all a family, and if one of us goes down, it's all of us."

And I meant it.

So much so that I had instantly decided to drop out of school to get a job instead. When I made it happen, I announced it and right away Pony had been furious. He didn't get it; he didn't know.

Darry yelled too. Told me not to do it, to go back to school. But he knew I wouldn't, no matter what he said to me. Though, when I saw his eyes gleam at my news, I knew a part of him had been relieved, even comforted. Of course, Pony complained that Darry wasn't fighting hard enough, that he should try harder to convince me.

I wanted to tell him everything. Granted, it would get Pony off Darry's back, but I knew some things were left better unknown, even if that did make me a hypocrite. While I did wish I hadn't seen Darry, I was more glad than anything, since then I could help solve the problem, and make damn sure that no one in my house ever ate from the trash again.


End file.
